V is for Velociraptor

July happens to be Velociraptor awareness month. Let me make you aware.

Velociraptors, from head to tail, are about 6.5 to 7 feet long. It can be easily identified by its long, flat skull. They have extremely sharp teeth and large claws used to tear into their prey.

Velociraptors are often sighted on tropical islands but commonly seen in the Pacific Northwest. If you live in these areas, be on alert for Velociraptor attack! They are known to hunt in pack and tend to surround their prey in the shape of an equilateral triangle.

The Velociraptor can accelerate at a rate of 4 m/s² with a top speed of 25 m/s. That’s about 55 mph for American readers. If wounded, they can still reach speeds of 10 m/s (22 mph). They are smart enough to open doors, but it does slow them down quite a bit.

Be prepared. Don’t be the victim of a velociraptor attack.

How to escape a Velociraptor attack:

Know your enemy!







Plan your escape route. Always have a way out.

Do not have any glass windows or doors on the first floor of your home. Higher floors should be fine. Secure all doors with velociraptor-safe locks. These can be found at your local home improvement store.

Weapons. Assault rifles are good for velociraptors as well as zombies. Velociraptors have also been know to dislike concord grape juice. I would suggest a good squirt gun.

When moving into a new home or town, be sure none of your neighbors are velociraptors. They have been known to use mustaches as disguises. If you can hold an intelligent conversation, then they are probably human.


Velociraptors attacks are very serious. They are most common for men in their late twenties but can attack anywhere at any time.

Know how to protect yourself against these beasts. For more information contact your local red cross or The American Society for Velociraptor Attack Prevention.

Have a nice day!


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